From off the top of my head, and other strange places….
- I know it’s not just me getting old. All the great candy bars are at least 50% smaller than when I was a kid. A pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups used to make a fabulous dessert. Now it’s just enough to leave you dreadfully unsatisfied.
A fun reason to keep yourself alive as long as possible: Being around in 2040, going to a nursing home and seeing a whole bunch of saggy-skin tattoos.
- There is a Dilbert strip where the pointy-haired boss tells the staff there is a health seminar the next day at 6 AM, so the seminar would not take away work time. When asked if that sends a message that work is more important than health, he says, “I hope so; that’s the point of the meeting. What we really want you to do is die before your pensions pay out.” Every Fortune 500 company feels this way. I wish they would just admit it out loud.
- Why are they called “apartments” when they’re all stuck together?
- The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team won 4 straight national championships, and 11 under their current coach. The 2017 senior class lost a total of 5 games in 4 years, and 4 of those were when they were freshmen. No matter your opinion of women’s basketball, you have to be impressed by that. If only the Indians, Panthers and Hornets could be that dominant.
- I once did a Toastmasters speech on spelling and grammar, particularly apostrophe use. I see “Carolina’s” Makes me want to scream so loud that a building is going to collapse.
- Speaking of the environment… Environmentalists are nothing but Communists who had nothing to do after the Soviet Union imploded. I’ve got news for you chumps. China is still Communist. Since you love Communism so much, go live there and leave the rest of us alone.
- If you like stupid movies, I recommend “Take This Job and Shove It” from 1981. They took the Johnny Paycheck song and made a whole movie about it. It’s about a guy who leaves his hometown of Dubuque, IA for college and ends up coming back as a field executive/corporate hatchet man for a national brewery that just bought the local Dubuque brewery. The plot is weak, the acting is decidedly mediocre and there’s a good bit of foul language. But the movie makes fun of rednecks, has a few excellent one-liners, and features a country-western band that plays such classics as “You Can Count On Beer,” “Lord I Love Robbin’ Banks” and “I Drank 15 Beers.” Hey, there’s so many serious problems in today’s world, you need to laugh at something every now and then.
- Beware of swimming in public pools with young children. I was at the Y once in that very situation. The kids were fine, just full of zeal and energy as you would expect, and very friendly. But little kids don’t swim in straight lines. One was going diagonally, one was just a big, splashing spasm, and I think one was swimming in a trapezoid pattern. It was awkward, but sort of fun as well.
- The Christmas song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was playing. It includes the line, “be of good cheer.” What other kind of cheer is there?
- I love pointing out the shortcomings of hallowed cliches. I’m sure you have heard someone (probably your mother) say something “stinks to high heaven.” As opposed to what? Who knew there were levels of heaven? Are there 2 levels, which would then produce high heaven and low heaven? What gets you into each level? Perhaps there are 3 levels – high heaven, medium heaven and low heaven?
One thing that cracks me up about living in the South is the number of people that truly believe that the Bible was written in 16th century King James English, and therefore any Bible that is not the King James Version is a fake Bible. Seriously. Well, they will admit the original writings were probably in Greek, Arabic or Hebrew, but that the KJV was a literal translation, and absolutely every other version is a paraphrase and is completely illegitimate. That is funny to me, because some of the wording of KJV is funny. Like “be of good cheer” above, why does KJV say in Joshua 1, “be strong and of a good courage”? Well, I’m not sure I would want to cross the Jordan and go to war with a bad courage. I used this on my wife as I left for work one morning. I said, “Love you. Be strong and of a medium courage today.”