While being a writer means you are often tasked with producing pithy, insightful, and sometimes socially impactful content, there are times when you can venture off to other areas, such as the area of utter ridiculousness. Let’s do some of that today.

Most of us are familiar with the Top Ten lists that were a regular of David Letterman’s late-night TV shows. That inspired an entire Top Ten industry, with countless lists showing up throughout the interwebs. Most of these lists are heavy in ridiculousness, which is right up my alley. So today I present a few excerpts from some of my all-time favorite lists. A few of these one-liners are ones I actually wrote myself.

Things to do during a sermon:

  • Blow your nose – really, really loud.
  • Turn off your hearing aid.
  • Write a top 10 list to break up the boredom.

Ways to answer the phone:

  • “Thank you, pleas pull around.”
  • “911, what is your emergency?”
  • “Pizza Hut Tokyo, may I take your order?”

Excuses for being late to work:

  • “I fell and couldn’t get up.”
  • “My monkey threatened to commit suicide, and I had to talk him out of it.”
  • “I stopped at the red traffic light, and it NEVER turned green!”

Reasons to update your Facebook status:

  • It was in your contract.
  • Someone who was running the “Compulsive Update App” coughed on you, and that app is contagious.
  • Your monkey bribed you with bananas.

Ways to tell you’re an Amazon addict:

  • You send nasty emails when their recommendations differ from yours in the slightest way.
  • Your pet monkey is authorized to sign for packages.
  • Your friends don’t call Amazon, they call you.

Possible Blog Post Topics:

  • Your monkey’s exercise schedule
  • That strange itching, burning sensation.
  • Your living room’s dust bunny army is planning a pre-emptive attack on your dining room’s dust bunny army.

Christmas presents for your enemies:

  • Deodorant
  • An already-scratched, losing lottery ticket
  • Roll of 1-ply toilet paper

Least-popular Christmas Carols:

  • I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King
  • Frosty the Crack-head had a crack pipe full of crack
  • Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose

Ways to tell you’re cheap:

  • You consider Burger King to be fine dining.
  • You haven’t purchased a name-brand product in 5 years.
  • During an average week, you spend more time counting loose change than you do at church.

Things you don’t want to hear at the networking event:

  • “Do you know anyone who specializes in cleaning up A LOT of blood?”
  • “That’s very insightful. You remind me of my 4th wife.”
  • “Allow me to introduce my selves.”

Ways to lose your cell phone:

  • You were drinking on the edge of a pier and when you finished, you tossed the phone into the ocean instead of the bottle.
  • It was banned at the cult you just joined.
  • It’s not lost, your pet monkey just hid it.

Things you don’t want to hear when calling tech support:

  • “That’s right – even MacGyver couldn’t fix it.”
  • “Just a moment…. MOM, TIMMY’S HITTING ME!”
  • “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”