It’s fun to have an entire weekend to watch football again. The Mrs. just doesn’t understand how I could watch that much football. But it’s the same for me as those “sovereign citizens” videos are for her. Have you seen these clips? A bunch of mentally ill and/or intellectually deficient people who think not a single law in the world applies to them and law enforcement officers are clowns. There’s one guy who posts videos and sprinkles in his own commentary throughout the incident. He had a classic one recently, referring to one of these fools as “the most flushable person in the universe.” Great word. The applications are endless. You’ll probably see it somewhere in these predictions.
NY Giants at Washington – Remember when Prince legally changed his name to the androgyny symbol while he was battling Warner Brothers for the rights to his material? Everyone had to call him the unwieldy moniker, “artist formerly known as Prince.” I’m going to start using that for the football team in D.C. until they actually choose a nickname. Or until they get a new QB since their starter is hurt. NY QB Daniel Jones has a 4-0 record against this squad and is 4-19 against everybody else. I’m not going to need sleeping pills to get some Zs tonight. This game is going to do that instead. Little People 19, Team Formerly Known As Redskins 16
Buffalo at Miami – This looks like another matchup where points will be at a premium because both teams have stout defenses (Buffalo defense only gave Pittsburgh 17 last week). Miami looked good, but they were going up against a rookie in his first real game. That might haunt them this week. Buffalo, NC 20 Fish 17
Cincinnati at Chicago – OK, now we get to the scoring machine games. Andy Dalton has another revenge game against Cincy unless he got it all out of his system in Dallas last year. Bears 23, Bangles 21
Denver at Jacksonville – What’s the over/under on how many weeks Urban Meyer holds out before he pulls a Steve Spurrier and heads back to college ball at USC? Donkeys 31, Jags 17
Houston at Cleveland – Now that the game against the college coach is out of the way, Houston can get back to reality with a blowout loss to a team with many offensive weapons. Browns 38, Texans 13
Las Vegas at Pittsburgh – It looks like Pittsburgh has a stout defense again (which includes Charlotte 49er Alex Highsmith). Look for them to flex once again. Steelers 27, Raiders 10
LA Rams at Indianapolis – I’ve seen a lot of “don’t read too much into week 1 results for either team” takes for this game. All I’m saying is that LA looks good on both sides of the ball and Indy looks a tad bit shaky on both sides of the ball. Rams 28, Colts 14
New England at NY Jets – That week 1 loss was probably VERY hard to swallow for the Pats and their fans. Fortunately, a rookie QB and questionable offensive line await them in week 2. Pats 23, j-e-t-s jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets 7
San Francisco at Philadelphia – If you’re a 49ers fan (like 2 of my nephews, big knuckleheads), you have to be concerned about the near-collapse in Detroit. Now you roll into another Eastern time zone game against a much better-equipped team. Eagles 31, 49ers 28
Atlanta at Tampa Bay – Sorry to skirt so close to vulgarity here, but this one will get very f’ugly, very quickly. Bucs 45, Falcons 13
Minnesota at Arizona – It appears Minnesota has some questions on defense. It appears Arizona has absolutely no questions on offense. Not a good combo for the road team. Cards 42, Norwegians 17
Dallas at LA Chargers – DeMarcus Lawrence, the best Dallas defender, is out injured. Their offense looks great, but a competent team should rip them up on offense. Look for a pinball score here. Clippers 41 Cowboys 34
Tennessee at Seattle – If you’re a Titans fan, you had better hope week 1 was no indication of how good or bad a team was. The worry will increase this week. Seahawks 24, Titans 13
Kansas City at Baltimore – No one wants to believe the Ravens will be 0-2. But they’re so dadgum injured it’s hard to see them matching up well with KC. Chiefs 40, Ravens 21
Detroit at Green Bay – The valiant effort masked the torching Detroit took for about 50 minutes last week. You have to think the Pack is going to be plenty angry after they never showed up last week. Packers 31, lion cubs 16
New Orleans at Carolina – Another game where I’m not sure you can look at week 1 and use that as a basis for what will happen in week 2. Is Jameis really that good all of a sudden? Is the Panthers D elite, or did they just look good against the Jets? By season’s end, these 2 will probably be around .500 battling for the last playoff slot (I think both miss out). This one will be very close. I’m giving a tiny edge to the home team. PANTHERS 17, Aints 16
Last week’s record: 8-7
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