It’s time for NFL games. Same setup as the college picks. Of course, the hometown Panthers are the preferred team. This also means that the Falcons, Saints, and Bucs are evil. Completely evil.
Dallas at Tampa Bay – The Cowboys are in much better shape than last year. However, Tom Brady is going to play until he’s 80 years old and will make the Pro Bowl every single year. Yuck-aneers 31, Cowboys 27
Arizona at Tennessee – The Cards like to play fast. The Titans are more methodical with RB Derrick Henry, who moonlights as a cement mixer. That gives them an edge. Titans 23, Cardinals 20
Jacksonville at Houston – Poor Joey Slye. First, he lost his job as Panthers kicker when he got a bad case of the yips in the preseason. Then salt is poured into the open wound by him getting signed by the worst-run franchise in professional sports. I’m having a hard time finding even a single win for this trash fire. Trevor Lawrence gets an easy game to break into the pros. Jags 41, Texans 14
LA Chargers at Washington – Both teams are expected to contend for the playoffs, so this should be a close one. Note that I call the road team the Clippers, because they are the NFL equivalent to the Clippers in the NBA – a second team that moved to LA that absolutely no one asked for. Also, this is where I mock the former Redskins for taking over 2 years to find a new nickname, while the Cleveland baseball team managed to do it in 9 months. LOL! Washington 28, Clippers 24
Minnesota at Cincinnati – Both teams have big holes on their interior lines and will struggle to find wins. Best thing about Cinci-nasty is they now have former Charlotte 49er Larry Ogunjobi to help their D-line. Go Niners! Bangles 17, Norwegians 14
Philadelphia at Atlanta – Most of the talking heads pick Atlanta ahead of the Panthers, which makes no sense because they have an awful secondary and terrible run-blocking. No one is sure if Philly has their franchise QB, but they definitely have more playmakers. Eagles 27, Falcons 20
Pittsburgh at Buffalo – Big Ben is healthy again, but he’s also 137 years old. No 11-0 start this year. Buffalo, NC 26, Steelers 17
San Francisco at Detroit – Best assessment I’ve seen about Detroit’s new coach came in an online forum just recently. A Browns fan said, “Dan Campbell scares me. I think he eats people.” When he sees how much work he has ahead of him, he might eat some of his own players. 49ers 41, lion cubs 6
Seattle at Indianapolis – Both teams have excellent coaches and questions at key positions (other than QB). This is really a guess. Colts 27, Seahawks 24
Cleveland at Kansas City – This matchup will probably occur again in the AFC championship game. I’ve gone back and forth all summer on this one. I think the home field gives KC a tiny advantage. Chiefs 35, Browns 34
Denver at NY Giants – I follow a YouTube guy who has been running a simulation of this season on Madden 21. One interesting quirk was that the 3 rookie head coaches in 2020 – Kevin Stefanski, Matt Rhule, and Joe Judge – never got scanned into their software due to COVID. They look awful on the sim. Judge looks like Pee Wee Herman’s stunt double. He’ll be frustrated as his fragile offense goes against a stacked Denver defense. Donkeys 28, Little People 10
Green Bay at New Orleans – New Orleans has a new QB who has never lived up to the hype. As my brother said, “If they win with Winston, we need to make a statue of Shawn Payton RIGHT NOW!” Agreed. Packers 33, Aints 24
Miami at New England – The Cam Newton Experiment is over, and a ton of free agents were brought in to stop the cataclysmic 1-year run of playoff absence. Miami is good, but not good enough on the road. Patriots 23, Fish 20
Chicago at LA Rams – New QBs and high expectations are the storyline for both teams. I think Chicago is 1-2 big plays short. Rams 35, Bears 28
Baltimore at Las Vegas – This Jon Gruden 2.0 thing isn’t working. Ravens are down 2 RBs but can still easily shut down this questionable offense. Take Edgar Allan Poe’s favorite team. Ravens 19, Raiders 6
NY Jets at Carolina – Many experts think Sam Darnold stinks more than that he was just in a bad situation in Gotham. He’s still behind a terrible offensive line, but he has more playmakers than he ever dreamed of before, including old buddy Robby Anderson, who is going to carry me to a fantasy win this week. Sam gets some revenge. PANTHERS 38, j-e-t-s jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets 17
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