This week is the official halfway point. What have we learned? The football gods have decreed that everything will work out perfectly for the Patriots, 49ers, Saints and Packers – EVERYTHING!. Dan Quinn is going to get fired. Tom Brady is going to play until he’s 75 years old. The Dolphins are terrible liars (no, we’re not tanking, really). The single worst offseason personnel decision was Freddie Kitchens, Head Coach, Cleveland. Now for this week’s games:

San Francisco at Arizona (Thu) – Kingsbury seems to have stabilized things, but this opponent is another matter entirely. 49ers 37, Cards 10 

Houston at Jacksonville (London) – I still say the Jags owner is trying to map out the logistics for opponents when he moves them to England. Texans 23, Jags 17 

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh – Indy has held up pretty well with the backup QB. Pittsburgh hasn’t. I still bet Tomlin stays as the coach, rather than taking up that lost cause in DC. Horses 27, Steelers 21 

NY Jets at Miami – Holy Cow. The Who Cares Game of the Decade. Fish Carcasses 17, J-E-T-S jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets 13 

Chicago at Philadelphia – Home team has the edge in the Underachiever Bowl. Eagles 28, bear cubs 10 

Minnesota at Kansas City – I am so tempted to bench Brady and start Kirk Cousins in fantasy against this Swiss cheese defense. Norwegians 34, Chiefs 27 

Washington at Buffalo – The setback with Philly becomes a distant memory. Buffalo, NC 20, Dead-skins 6  

Tampa Bay at Seattle – Tampa isn’t quite as terrible as I thought they would be. But neither is Seattle, despite some inconsistency. Seahawks 27, Yuck-aneers 21 

Detroit at Oakland – The Chargers beat the Bears last week in Questions Bowl I. These two match up in Questions Bowl II. I really have no idea what either team is. (Flips coin.) Raiders 26, Lions 23 

Cleveland at Denver – Kitchens was clearly the wrong pick; the Browns have badly under-achieved. But Denver keeps devolving from mess, to hot mess, to total train wreck. Even Kitchens can’t screw this up. Browns 28, Donkeys 17 

Green Bay at LA Chargers – Like I said, nothing bad will ever happen to the Cheeseheads. Packers 34, Clippers 17 

New England at Baltimore – Nothing bad will ever happen to the Pats either, although they will be tested by a good defense. Do I really bench Brady? Patriots 19, Ravens 13 

Dallas at NY Giants (Mon) – This should get very ugly, very quickly. Kinda like the last time Dallas was on Sunday night. Cowboys 41, Little People 10 

Tennessee at Carolina – A must-win for the home team – there are games against the Saints (2), Seahawks and Packers on the schedule. Now that Kyle Allen has experienced a clunker, interceptions, and a loss, he should be able to handle adversity – and an inconsistent team. PANTHERS 26, Titans 23 

Last week’s record: 12-3

Season: 78-43

BYE: Atlanta, Cincinnati, LA Rams, New Orleans