What’s this? NFL teams making trades? This happens so rarely that it’s downright shocking to see 2 big names traded in one year, let alone one week. Amari Cooper, “Snacks” Harrison, and Eli Apple were traded this week. More trades could be coming down before Tuesday’s deadline. Rumors continue to persist that LeVeon Bell is going to get traded. While the NFL trade deadline will probably never rival July 31 (or August 31) in MLB, it’s nice to have some scuttlebutt to opine about. There are also media members to mock, as you’ll see very soon. Let’s pick some games.
Miami at Houston – Neither team is as good as their record, so this might not be the highest-quality game. Osweiler seems to have been re-born down on the beach. Houston still needs work on offense. Miami takes an uneven game. Fish 19, Texans 13
Philadelphia at Jacksonville (London) – This is a spot for a trendy upset pick. With Bortles having regressed so completely and Philly having a great defense, last week’s 4thquarter notwithstanding, I’m having a lot of trouble seeing how it happens. Eagles 24, Jags 13
Washington at NY Giants – The ‘Skins are in first place after yet another questionable coaching job by Jason Garrett allowed them to escape with a win over Dallas last week. This week, they get the worst team in the league. Warm up the 3rd-stringers for the 4th quarter. Dead-skins 41, Little People 16
Cleveland at Pittsburgh – I feel bad for my Dad and brother, both lifelong Browns fans. They have found more ways to lose – and get screwed by rotten officiating – that any team I can remember. They are 2-4-1 but are about 5 plays away from being 6-1. That lack of finish can be attributed to the team’s extreme youth, and some coaching deficiency – addressed very emphatically by Jason La Canfora (or Jason California, as I like to call him when I’m mocking him). He railed on Hue Jackson for wanting to be more involved in offensive play-calling. He actually made good points. Cleveland tied Pittsburgh in week 1, but I don’t think they are as close this time. Steelers 27, Browns 14
Seattle at Detroit – I’m enough of a believer in Matt Patricia’s defensive genius to start Matt Stafford over Russell Wilson on my fantasy team, especially since he traded for a good DT that goes by the nickname “Snacks.” Detroit also has better receivers. All Wilson has is Jesus Juice. Lions 27, Seahawks 17
Denver at Kansas City – The worst of my week 7 picks was Arizona over Denver, who looked unstoppable. But this ain’t Arizona. Once the state of Missouri freezes, they can call this team the “Greatest Show on Frozen Turf.” Chiefs 38, Donkeys 10
NY Jets at Chicago – Khalil Mack against a rookie QB. Gotta feel bad for Sam Darnold. Just another part of the rookie learning process. Bears 33, J-E-T-S jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets 9
Tampa Bay at Cincinnati – Oh, Lord, I have to root for Cinci-nasty this week. It’s not that much of a stretch – Cincy has a few more weapons and better coaching than Cleveland, plus an Auburn guy at tight end. As always, the game will be watched closely to see if Vontaz Burfict leaves the stadium in handcuffs. Bangles 26, Yuck-aneers 23
Indianapolis at Oakland – Watchable only in the sense of wanting to watch shows and videos of car wrecks where nobody gets hurt. Dolts 33, Fakers 17
San Francisco at Arizona – It’s the Who Cares Game of the Week. 49ers 20, Cards 10
Green Bay at LA Rams – I’m already sick of the “Erin and his 2 agents” commercials. I’ve long been sick of the media’s obsession with him, even when he and his team aren’t very good. They will all act shocked after this week, for no good reason. Rams 45, Packers 23
New Orleans at Minnesota – It’s the Everyone Cares Game of the Week. After seeing 1,374,586 replays of the end of last year’s playoff game, NO will be highly motivated. The problem with that is the Vikings still have Adam Thielen. Trading for Eli Apple isn’t going to change that nightmare at all. Pinball game alert. Norwegians 40, Aints 37
New England at Buffalo – Derek Anderson, oh he of the 4 games played in the last 7 years, was as bad as expected. He’s a nice guy and decent for a game against a rotten opponent now and then, but certainly not in this scenario. Should get very ugly, very quickly. Patriots 38, Buffalo, NC 7
Baltimore at Carolina –Serial Panther Hater Pete Prisco of cbssports.com is 1-5 picking Panthers games. He picked Baltimore this week. Fellow CBS Sports Idiot Ryan Wilson wrote, “The Panthers might be 4-2 but they have yet to win two games in a row this season.” Never mind that it is physically impossible to have a 4-2 record with no 2-game winning streak. The writer obviously didn’t bother to look at the Panthers schedule, where he would have seen a win in the 3rd and 4th games. These guys are so blinded by their hatred they can’t even perform basic journalistic tasks. PANTHERS 27, Ravens 20
Last week’s record: 9-5
Season: 64-43
Bye: Atlanta, Dallas, LA Chargers, Tennessee