As I try to get back on my regular routine after a very successful bariatric surgery, things are getting tense in the NFL world. My Panthers are stuck in the NFL’s best division, with a decent chance of both wild card teams coming from there. The Giants finally got rid of their dead-man-walking coach, and the Jaguars have a shot at a first-round bye. Mayhem is everywhere – but isn’t that what we like?
Denver at Indianapolis (Thur) – Denver finally won for the first time in what seems like years last week. Indy is another team with a dead-man-walking coach. At least there’s no snow inside the dome. That’s the only advantage they’ve got. Donkeys 20, Dolts 17
Chicago at Detroit (Sat) – Chicago looks much better. But…. this ain’t Cinci-nasty. Lions 26, bear cubs 20
LA Chargers at Kansas City (Sat) – Suddenly, everyone thinks KC is all the way back because they beat the Raiders. By that logic, the Charlotte 49ers should be in a bowl game because their 1-11 record included a win over a bowl-bound team. In other words, hogwash. Clippers 33, Chefs 21
Arizona at Washington – The Who Cares Game of the Week. Bruce’s Ego 19, Dead-skins 10
Houston at Jacksonville – Last meeting between these 2 was a thrashing by Jax. And that was in Houston. Jags 37, Texans 10
Cincinnati at Minnesota – If they did that bad against the bear cubs at home, what are they going to do in Minneapolis with that terrible, obnoxious horn going off after every play? Norwegians 30, Bangles 6
Baltimore at Cleveland – I wouldn’t be surprised – or angry – if the home team mustered no effort because they were still angry about blowing their best chance at a win last week. Little Black Birds 28, brownie troop 7
NY Jets at New Orleans – Of course, with my heart, I hope the Jets team from the first 12 games shows up. My head know the team from game 13 is more likely, keeping NO in first place. Aints 34, Jets 17
Miami at Buffalo – Who was that on Monday night? If that team goes north, the longest playoff drought continues. But I don’t think it will. Bills 21, Fins 20
Philadelphia at NY Giants – Big news out of the Big Apple this week is that OBJ has more tats. Much more interesting discussion than either of the football teams. Eagles 44, little people 7
LA Rams at Seattle – So the Rams defense can be had. Not good news when you’re facing a team that already beat you at your place. Jesus Juice Drinkers 33, Rams 27
New England at Pittsburgh – Most people look at the record TB12 has against Pittsburgh and assume that means a Pats win this week. I’m starting to think the smoke & mirrors defense they are running out there is running out of magic. Steelers 31, Patriots 27
Tennessee at San Francisco – Looks like the 49ers have found their QB, and that said QB is going to live up to the hype. It’s a tough defense testing him this week, but he should remain undefeated for his career as a starter. 49ers 20, Titans 16
Dallas at Oakland – Remember when the Raiders were a Super Bowl contender? Neither do I. So where is the “we move to Vegas in” countdown clock? Cowboys 30, Raiders 16
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (Mon) – The Falcons did my Panthers a big favor by beating NO last week. They could do us another one by gagging against a crappy team this week. I have concluded that holding my breath would be hazardous to my health. Falcons 38, Yuck-aneers 10
Green Bay at Carolina – Most of the national media simply cannot grasp the concept that the Packers are even capable of losing a game when Erin starts. But Erin doesn’t play defense. Neither does anyone else in green & yellow. Whoever has Cam on their fantasy team is going to win this week because of the Antonio Brown-like numbers he’s going to put up. There will be 50,000 Packers fans at B of A Stadium this week, and they’re all going to go home mad. Panthers 35, Packers 28