“You know you’re gettin’ old when you start making love to your wife and 10 seconds later think, ‘wait a minute, why did I come in here?’” – Larry the Cable Guy

That was me on Monday, realizing I completely forgot to do my entry on week 1 of college football picks. Well, at least I remembered in time to do the NFL week 1 picks.

Buffalo at LA Rams (Thur) – Buffalo is near the top of a stacked AFC. They’ll easily get to double-digit wins as they go 6-0 in a bad AFC East. But the defending champs? It’s a great matchup that probably is decided in the last 2 minutes. Rams 28, Bills 24

Baltimore at NY Jets – When you say “Ravens,” everyone immediately goes to Lamar Jackson’s contract (lack of) resolution. But on the actual playing field, the team is quite loaded. The best thing about Jets losses is listening to Mike Greenberg and Rich Eisen rant and rave. Unfortunately for them, they get an early start. Ravens 23, J-E-T-S jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets jets 9

Indianapolis at Houston – Indy has the world’s #1 RB to compensate for their 147-year-old QB. Houston actually looked decent in the practice games, but it’s a very un-talented roster. Colts 33, Texans 14

Jacksonville at Washington – Jax is about 400% better only due to the upgrade at head coach. But they have some better players as well. Ron Rivera has been assimilated into the Woke Mob Borg, fining his DC $100K for daring to say the Jan. 6 riot was not an attempt to overthrow the government, which it was not. So I’m not rooting for Riverboat Ron any longer. On the field, they still need to upgrade the defense a bit. Jags 23, Commanders 20

New England at Miami – Everybody thinks the NE offense is awful. I still think BB is the world’s greatest coach and he will get more out of his squad than people think. I also have my own bias on this one, as Tyreek Hill is my #1 WR in fantasy. But Miami does have a better roster overall. Fish 24, Patriots 17

New Orleans at Atlanta – Speaking of fantasy, this Panthers fan made a deal with Satan by drafting Kyle Pitts for the fantasy team. Predictions about New Orleans are all over the place, but most think Atlanta will be terrible as they transition at QB. Aints 28, Falcons 17

Philadelphia at Detroit – Predictions about both of these teams are also all over the place, especially Philly. Some expect them to win the division, others think they’ll be as bad as anyone. I’m closer to the former than the latter. Eagles 30, Lions 21

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Was Cincy a fluke? How does the QB transfer work in Pittsburgh? I have some bias here as well, as Pittsburgh has 2 of the 3 Charlotte 49ers that are in the NFL on its defense. I think that inconsistent QB play will harm them. Bengals 31, Steelers 17

San Francisco at Chicago – One of the few things everyone agrees on is that Chicago is terrible, and poor Justin Fields is in for yet another rough year. This may get ugly. 49ers 38, bear cubs 6

Green Bay at Minnesota – Interesting game for me, as I have Aaron Rodgers and Dalvin Cook on my fantasy team. So I’m rooting for a 49-48 game. In reality, it will be interesting to see how Rodgers works with the new receivers and if Minnesota can thrive with a head coach who actually knows how to spell “offense,” unlike the last coach. Packers 27, Vikings 24

Kansas City at Arizona – Arizona starts with their best player on 6-game suspension for PEDs. That will kill them trying to keep up with this KC offense. Chiefs 42, Cards 21

Las Vegas at LA Chargers – As a refresher, I call the Chargers the Clippers because they are the Clippers NFL equivalent – a second team in LA that moved there from San Diego that no one asked for and no one roots for. The seats will be about 75% silver and black for this one. Both offenses are stacked, so we could see a shootout. Clippers 38, Raiders 35

NY Giants at Tennessee – NY finally has a decent coach, but he doesn’t have enough to work with. Tennessee traded its stud WR, but still has weapons, along with a very intriguing backup QB. Titans 27 little people 13

Tampa Bay at Dallas – Tampa has so many OL injuries that one has to wonder how much magic Brady will have to conjure up to keep them in games. He’ll do his share, but that injured line against this defense isn’t going to be pretty. Cowboys 28, Bucs 13

Denver at Seattle (Mon) – The second of 2 Revenge Bowl games, as Russell Wilson gets to play in his old home in his first game in Orange. Seattle is in full rebuild. Denver is overrated, but almost everyone will destroy Seattle this season. Donkeys 34, Seahawks 10

Cleveland at Carolina – I always save the Panthers pick until the end, so this is actually Revenge Bowl I for this week. Lots of Edgar family intrigue – my dad and brother are Browns fans. Will the Panthers new O-line handle this stout defense? How will Brissett do as the Browns starter for 11 games? Truth be told, I’m really just guessing. I think the Panthers secondary, completely overlooked by all the talking heads, will be the difference, forcing Brissett into just enough errors to eke out the win. PANTHERS 27, Browns 24

Last season’s record: 172-100