For the non-football fans out there, some background. The American Football League was formed in 1960 to compete with the NFL. (The two leagues would merge in 1970.) One of the teams in the new league was the Los Angeles Chargers. One year later, the Chargers moved to San Diego, where they stayed until January of this year, when they moved back to LA. Back in the ’60s and ’70s multi-purpose stadiums were all the rage – stadiums that could house both a football and baseball teams. These stadiums were round, symmetrical, and among the most butt-ugly architecture in the history of mankind. Beginning in 1992 with the opening of Oriole Park at Camden Yards, a baseball-only stadium, cities quickly moved to build single-purpose stadiums that housed only 1 sport and were much easier on the eye. Of course, the billionaires that owned the teams moved just as quickly to ensure these stadiums were built with anything under the sun that was not their own money. As the 21st century unfolded, cities began to resist, and some franchises relocated. San Diego still had one of those multi-purpose stadium that housed their football team, although the city had coughed up a few hundred million bucks to build a single-purpose facility for their baseball team. And so the Chargers returned to LA. Many jilted fans wanted the NFL to force the team to re-brand itself, and leave the Chargers name, colors, and team records in San Diego. The team to this point has not agreed, but there are still all kinds of suggestions as to what the team should be called.
I smell opportunity. Capitalizing on the fact that the entire country seems hell-bent on finding something to be “offended” by every day, here are a list of potential team names, along with who would be offended by each option.
LA Lightning – offensive to those who believe in man-made-only global warming, because storms are a product of global warming
LA Bolts – offensive to auto mechanics who will think this is making fun of their tools
LA Invaders – offensive to hippies who think all war is evil
LA Traffic – offensive to transportation planners who want everyone to sell their cars and just ride trains & buses
LA Stars – offensive to the Screen Actors Guild, particularly Meryl Streep
LA Cleanse – offensive to gastroenterologists who will think this is making fun of their work
LA Lush – offensive to M.A.D.D., because this promotes drunkenness.
LA Fame – offensive to the Kardashians for implying you have to be athletes – or possess some marketable skill – to be famous
LA Gold – offensive to Bernie Sanders supporters who think wealth is evil
LA Stogies – offensive to anti-smoking interests
LA Stooges – offensive to descendants of the actors that played Larry, Curly & Moe
I love offending easily-offended people. They beg to be mocked. And actually, they enjoy it too. When you say something “offensive,” notice the captains of the thought police as they launch into their tirades on how offensive you are. You can see their necks stiffen, chests swell, and blood rushing through the veins in their face as they revel in their self-righteousness, being so certain they are a higher life form than you and vociferously declaring that if you don’t change and agree with them, then you are a backward, ignorant, knuckle-dragging baboon that will never survive without them “educating” you.
My wife & I have this friend… He was best friends with my wife when she was single. He’s a fascinating cat – he’s black, gay, and a vegan. He loves to tell you how each of these characteristics has led to oppression by others. Having never been any of those things, I can’t tell him he’s making it up, so I just let it be. He’s also overly-dramatic, which I always find entertaining no matter what your color, diet or sexual orientation may be. So I poke at him every now and then. He knows how I do and takes it in stride. But his legion of followers on social media are wound so tight that they could explode at any moment. I saw a Facebook meme that said, “You know that feeling of anticipation when you’re at a cookout, you’re hungry, and some delicious food is about to come of the grill? Do vegans feel the same way when they mow the lawn? I put it on my friend’s page. He gave me the “Ha, ha” emoji and did not comment. But here came his followers. You could almost feel spit coming through the computer screen. They called me every filthy name in the English language, and I think made up some new ones. And I loved every minute of it.
I look at it this way: At age 47, there’s a really good chance that more of my human existence is in the past than what is in the future. I refuse to spend whatever time I have left worrying about what others think of me, and I absolutely refuse to give up humor. There is very little in this world more entertaining than people who have no sense of humor. These self-appointed policemen who believe it is their sworn duty to tell everyone else how to think are among the most humorless. And I just love to mess with them.